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Cannonball!
- Ron Burgundy
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CAN I PLEASE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION.
I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen.
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- Ron Burgundy
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- Ron Burgundy
Monday, April 7, 2008
Random phone video on TTC
Well, I was on the TTC the other day minding my own business when I felt something strangely abnormal going on in the corner of my eye. I look up to satisfy my curiosity, and this is what I see:
I apologize for making you turn your head sideways to see it, but you can understand how it would make sense on my phone. And no I will not edit it because I am much too lazy.
After staring for 5 minutes at this man reading his novel in such a peculiar fashion, I came to 2 conclusions. 1) It was worth making myself look like a japanese pervert with a hidden digicam to capture this on video and 2) This man has the inability to move his eye balls from side to side. Doesn't he look like a typewriter?
Tick tick tick tick tick, DING!
I apologize for making you turn your head sideways to see it, but you can understand how it would make sense on my phone. And no I will not edit it because I am much too lazy.
After staring for 5 minutes at this man reading his novel in such a peculiar fashion, I came to 2 conclusions. 1) It was worth making myself look like a japanese pervert with a hidden digicam to capture this on video and 2) This man has the inability to move his eye balls from side to side. Doesn't he look like a typewriter?
Tick tick tick tick tick, DING!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Tell-tale signs that you're FAT or UGLY
Everyone, at some point in their lives have asked themselves, "Do people think I'm ugly?". Or how about those of you who have wondered whether or not people see you as "fat"?
Well I'll tell you...
It's actually quite simple, but rather counter intuitive. So in order for me to explain, I have devised a definitive socialogical test that will definitively answer these questions...definitively.
Please answer YES or NO to the following set of questions:
Set A
Do people make fun of you out loud and in public to your face? For example, if you're out with your co-workers for lunch, and you mentioned that you're getting fat and shouldn't eat the fries, and all your co-workers agree out loud and say emphatically, "Yeah you're huge! Definitely don't eat those or you'll blow up!"
Yes or No
When you mention that you need to go work out but you don't because you're too lazy, has anyone ever jokingly said, "Yeah you're right, you really do need to work out cause MAN you're getting fat!"
Yes or No
If you're out in public with friends or colleagues, do you ever get used as their butt end of a fat joke? For example, "Hey you better not finish that poutine or you'll end up HUGE like (insert your name here) over there." Then laughter ensues.
Yes or No
Has anyone just plain out said to your face, "Fuck you're fat!"
Yes or No
Set B
When eating with your friends or colleagues, do they generally stay quiet about your food choices and eating habits? For example, when you're giving the server your selection of fries with an extra side of gravy, chicken parmesan and a diet Coke, does everyone usually stay quiet and look respectful?
Yes or No
When you mention that you go to the gym three times a week, do people generally just stay quiet and without comment?
Yes or No
If you're out in public with friends or colleagues, are you never at the butt of any of the immature fat jokes? In other words, do they leave YOU out of the so called "mean things" that they always talk about and insesantly make fun of the skinny blonde girl in the group instead?
Yes or No
People rarely make fun of you to your face.
Yes or No
________________________________________________________
If you answered YES to any or all of Set A, you're not fat.
If you answered YES to any or all of Set B, sorry to say, but you are definitely fat.
The logic behind these answers is that if people make fun of you and call you names whether as jokes or out of convenience, chances are you're NOT actually what they're making fun of you about. People like to think that we've all grown up and left the immature 'teasing people we like' routine, but the truth is we haven't. If you tease someone, it's because you like them and don't actually think what they're teasing you about. If people really thought something bad about you, they would keep it quiet. People will actually go out of their way to NOT focus attention on your obesity and completely leave you out of the conversation if the conversation is related to your real physical attributes. The constant badgering of the petite blonde cutie of the group is just reconfirmation that they already feel bad about your disposition and are making an active effort to not draw attention to what you should already be ashamed of. In this case, your weight.
So if you find that people are generally really courteous to you, talk to you with more respect, don't say mean things about you to your face and everyone in your immediate group of peers just treats you super nice, you should start feeling self concious because you're probably the DUFF*.
Not this Duff.
I think the moral of the story or take-away lesson here is we shouldn't alienate, segragate, or have biased treatments. If you don't make fun of the fattys and ugly bitches, they'll just feel left out and self-conscious. You wouldn't want to be one of those people who makes others feel left out now would you? So go out there and make fun of your fat friend, call the ugly girl mean names and make jokes at their expense! It's only fair that you treat these people equally.
*Pop culture acronym for Designated Ugly Fat Friend.
Well I'll tell you...
It's actually quite simple, but rather counter intuitive. So in order for me to explain, I have devised a definitive socialogical test that will definitively answer these questions...definitively.
Please answer YES or NO to the following set of questions:
Set A
Do people make fun of you out loud and in public to your face? For example, if you're out with your co-workers for lunch, and you mentioned that you're getting fat and shouldn't eat the fries, and all your co-workers agree out loud and say emphatically, "Yeah you're huge! Definitely don't eat those or you'll blow up!"
Yes or No
When you mention that you need to go work out but you don't because you're too lazy, has anyone ever jokingly said, "Yeah you're right, you really do need to work out cause MAN you're getting fat!"
Yes or No
If you're out in public with friends or colleagues, do you ever get used as their butt end of a fat joke? For example, "Hey you better not finish that poutine or you'll end up HUGE like (insert your name here) over there." Then laughter ensues.
Yes or No
Has anyone just plain out said to your face, "Fuck you're fat!"
Yes or No
Set B
When eating with your friends or colleagues, do they generally stay quiet about your food choices and eating habits? For example, when you're giving the server your selection of fries with an extra side of gravy, chicken parmesan and a diet Coke, does everyone usually stay quiet and look respectful?
Yes or No
When you mention that you go to the gym three times a week, do people generally just stay quiet and without comment?
Yes or No
If you're out in public with friends or colleagues, are you never at the butt of any of the immature fat jokes? In other words, do they leave YOU out of the so called "mean things" that they always talk about and insesantly make fun of the skinny blonde girl in the group instead?
Yes or No
People rarely make fun of you to your face.
Yes or No
________________________________________________________
If you answered YES to any or all of Set A, you're not fat.
If you answered YES to any or all of Set B, sorry to say, but you are definitely fat.
The logic behind these answers is that if people make fun of you and call you names whether as jokes or out of convenience, chances are you're NOT actually what they're making fun of you about. People like to think that we've all grown up and left the immature 'teasing people we like' routine, but the truth is we haven't. If you tease someone, it's because you like them and don't actually think what they're teasing you about. If people really thought something bad about you, they would keep it quiet. People will actually go out of their way to NOT focus attention on your obesity and completely leave you out of the conversation if the conversation is related to your real physical attributes. The constant badgering of the petite blonde cutie of the group is just reconfirmation that they already feel bad about your disposition and are making an active effort to not draw attention to what you should already be ashamed of. In this case, your weight.
So if you find that people are generally really courteous to you, talk to you with more respect, don't say mean things about you to your face and everyone in your immediate group of peers just treats you super nice, you should start feeling self concious because you're probably the DUFF*.
Not this Duff.
I think the moral of the story or take-away lesson here is we shouldn't alienate, segragate, or have biased treatments. If you don't make fun of the fattys and ugly bitches, they'll just feel left out and self-conscious. You wouldn't want to be one of those people who makes others feel left out now would you? So go out there and make fun of your fat friend, call the ugly girl mean names and make jokes at their expense! It's only fair that you treat these people equally.
*Pop culture acronym for Designated Ugly Fat Friend.
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