Friday, March 28, 2008

The evolution of OWNAGE

What stemmed from geeky internet video-game short hand and then later becoming its own online messaging language, "l337 talk", has now become as colloquial in everyday language as words like "cool" and "sick!".

I won't get into the whole lineage of these words, but some of the most common ones are: n00b, suxx0rs, fuxx0red, pr0n and my personal favorite and perhaps the most popular, PWNED. As in, "Damn! You just got your ass PWNED!"

The word pwned didn't just spring up over night, it was an evolutionary process that took years. Here's a rough pedigree of how it came to be:

Owned - "Dude, you just got owned by that sniper with a head shot."
Ownage - "That game was pure ownage!"
Pwned - "Wow! That guy crossing the street just got pwned by that car!"
Pwnage - "World of Warcraft is pwnage!"

Now, it has been a few years since an evolutionary step forward for this particular family of descriptive words with an ascending level of magnitude. As of right now, getting "PWNED" is the highest order of magnitude you can go while staying within this family of l337 descriptors.

Hence I will make my personal mark in the world of l337 talk. From now on, when something is so awesome that 'pwned' is no longer sufficient, the next (and highest) level up is HWNED!

Derived from HOned and HOnage and eventually becoming HWNED and HWNAGE.
Usage will be the exact same, but the order of magnitude is now roughly 10 fold that of 'pwned'.

Here are some typical usages for the word HWNED:

"Yo, that new Lambo is pure HWNAGE!" or "Bro, your new shoes just got HWNED by that pile of shit!"

Of course there is one event that automatically warrants the use of this word, and that is if you have previously slept with me, are sleeping with me now, or anyone that will sleep with me in the future, you have in essence been HWNED to the highest degree! There is no exception to this rule.*

*No exception!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

SEX has EVERYTHING to do with it!

Piqued your curiosity again didn't I? Anything with the word SEX in it people will read. I know I do.

Let's be honest people, SEX has everything to do with a relationship. EVERYTHING. So for those of you emo, politically correct poseurs who think they're being righteous by saying crap like, "No no, looks have nothing to do with it. I just like him because he's so sweet !", then you're either extremely naive (pronounced nigh-eve not nave) or you're smoking something epic, in which case I want some.

There are obviously a miriad of variations to the punk-ass cop-out line like the one above such as, "Looks don't matter to me, as long as he treats me well." or "He makes me feel good about myself, so that's all that matters to me." etc. I'm sure you have all heard or used these types of lines before, but unless 'he makes me feel good' is code for "WOW his cock feels good inside me!" or "DAMN, nobody blows like that!", then whoever dishes these lines are full of sh!t.

Yeah yeah, all the stereotypical staple boyfriend girlfriend stuff is important too like hygiene, similar interests, personality, blah blah blah... but SEX is often never used as one of the main reasons you're still with somebody. SEX should be less of a negative superficiality and should be one of the main criteria when considering prospects to be with in a long term relationship. Sure they can be charming and funny, but what if they abosolutely SUCK in bed. I mean really terrible, like Gene Simmons terrible*. Think about it, you have to "hit that" and only that for a very long time. Maybe even forever?

If you've only just started a relationship (when it's supposed to be the steamiest and sexually driven) and already you're describing the person as funny, or sweet, and avoid saying that the sex is just 'meh', that relationship my friend won't last. And if it does, man I feel bad for you and your genitals. Not only because you'll be bored as f*ck but be ready for the words 'affair' and 'cheating' to pop up sometime in the near future as well. You need to have the clothes tearing, wall-slamming, sex in a night club washroom kind of sex every now and then. For all the lame o's out there, that roughly translates into passion and spontaneity.

Gene Simmons - Creepy no?

*For those of you who didn't get the Gene Simmons reference, google "Gene Simmons sex tape" and you'll understand. You'd think that a world famous rock star and international sex symbol would have some skills. *hangs head in shame*

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Ejaculating from a plane!

How much would you expect to be compensated for someone to ejaculate into your hair? Well according to the newest victim of a high-flying sexual harassment act, it's worth about oh...200K?

That's how much this 21 year old girl from Harris County is suing AMR airlines for in this latest semi-high profile american lawsuit.

Here's my coles notes version of what happened:

A young woman was on a flight to visit her gammy or something unimportant like that, when an unknown man sat down next to her while she was sleeping. When the pilot came on the loud speakers (not literally), the woman woke up to this man masturbating to her...well her. Now get this, because she was embarassed she turns around to face the window and nervously plays with her hair and then notices “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance”!

LMFAO! I almost fell out of my chair when I read that.

So needless to say, the man was indeed whacking off to the tune of her hair and was later arrested when the plane landed. What's even funnier though, is the fact that the man had enough time to jack on her hair and continue jacking without ANYONE interrupting his jack-off fest! Lawl.

I do feel bad for the girl though, if the man had just a little more time to finish, she could have received a pearl necklace.

The original full story here.

PS. While trying to come up with a suitable title for this blog, I had a lot of ideas that ran through my head. It felt like such a waste to never be able to use them, so I have included a few of the runner ups:

Gives new meaning to high flying.
In a hurry to join the mile high club.
$200k to get jacked on?
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...cum?
There's jizz in my hair?
Masturbation at 10,000 ft.
Ejaculation complete!

Friday, March 14, 2008

What is the longest running fugly foot fad ever?


I implore the human population to stop wearing these. Now.

Whoever came up with this so called "fashion" design should be shunned from civilized society and join the ranks of the Tomagotchi inventor and whomever thought up the bright idea for men's thongs.

I think I have put up with this travesty for long enough. It's time to move on, find a new fad and just put these in your storage closet next to the four inch platform disco boots and the Nintendo Virtual Boy (this one warrants a blog of it's own). Better yet, just burn them, buy some carbon credits and call it a day. In my earlier awkward years, I concede to have been a sheep of the fashion fads on occasion, but even as far as fads go, this one has lasted much too long. I remember seeing the first pair in the wild about 6 or 7 years ago and thought to myself, "This must be a joke. This girl HAS to be coming from an audition for a spot in the traveling carnival." No lie.

Everytime I see a person wearing these creative brain farts, I always ask them: WHY?

First, I usually get a weird look like I just asked them something totally rediculous, then they realise that I'm not kidding and reply with, "They're sooo comfortable!". They then get defensive and counter with, "Have you ever tried these on???". The answer is no. I never will and to be quite honest, it doesn't matter how comfortable they really are because I find that there must have been a mental breakdown somewhere for an individual to have even CONSIDERED picking them up and asking the sales person, "Do you have these in size 6?".

If you're one of those people who are still rocking these under the disillusion that they're "hot", please take a look at the picture below, because that's the only person that should still be wearing them.

I bet she thinks they're the illest yo!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Are you Spitzer or Swallows?

You like that catchy title don't you? Don't lie, you know it made your curiosity tingle you sick sick pervert. It's not your fault, the title was cleverly worded to reference something sexual or maybe conjure up pornographic images that you didn't download from the internet and aren't stored in a hidden folder on your removable hard drive somewhere. Oh wait...

It's okay, your secret is safe with me.

Your dirty thoughts aside, the title is obviously referring to the american political scandal du jour about New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer and his need to subscribe to really expensive prostitution. The events have unfolded quite rapidly. So rapid that within 48 hours he has gone from respected political figure in charge of the world's largest city, to a sex crazed maniac unfit to do his job and forced to resign. When did "getting a little on the side" become the worst thing in the world? And where did all this interest in politics come from? I don't see this many people getting all excited about healthcare, budget cuts and new by-laws. Where's all the enthusiasm and public outrage for real things that matter? Like fixing pot-holes.

"Oh my god, did you hear about that governor guy in New York? Isn't that crazy? What kind of world do we live in eh? I bet you his wife isn't too happy." - My dental hygienist to the receptionist

Who cares! So he slept with some prostitutes a few times. Big deal. So he cheated on his wife. Whatever. But does his need to satisfy his urge for sexual gratification really affect what he was elected to do? I think not. Did he do his job before the scandal? For the most part, yes. So then what does it matter if he likes spending his hard earned dollars on some high class hookers? It's illegal you say? Well, 'May ye without sin cast the first stone.' or something...

Have you seen his wife? Have you seen the girl? I have.

I'd hit that.

My point is that he's not an asexual super human, he's a regular dude with regular needs just like the rest of us. If you were caught picking up a hooker or got busted for going to a strip club, would you get fired from your day job for that? Would news reporters and journalists start rummaging through your garbage? My guess is no, unless your initials are MJ and you can do the moonwalk. So then why should anyone really care about what happens in his personal life? People should judge him on his work and the results from his work, not what or who he chooses to do in his spare time. Let his wife deal with that.

- This post dedicated to my man William Jefferson Clinton -