Monday, October 6, 2008

I'll take "Female automobile pronouns" for one hundred Alex.

Answer - The pronoun that you give to personify an automobile.
Question - What is 'she'?
Jane: "So I got a new car."
John: "O'rly? Where is it?"
Jane: "She's parked over there. Isn't she pretty?"

She? Why is it that whenever people decide to personify a vehicle, they always use the pronoun "she"? Why she? Why not something else? Why not, "Hey, there's my Billy Bob Thornton parked over there!"?

Well, if you think about it, the terms and phrases that we use to describe our interactions with cars just scream archetypal female personfication. Here are just some examples:

You always get in your car.
To get in you need to open the doors wide.
You need to slide into her seat.
You have to turn her on.
To turn her on you need to stick your key in the ignition hole.
Sometimes you need to play around with the key a little before she'll go in.
Before you start driving away you need to warm her up.
You need to slide her into gear, never force it in.
You need to ease her out of the driveway.
You need to be gentle with the clutch.
You need to watch your speed or you'll run out of gas prematurely.
If you're backing in, you need to go REALLY slow.
And even then you might not always fit into the spot.

If that's not enough evidence to prove why cars are female, here are a few more observations:

You spend a fortune on them to begin with.
You spend a fortune on them for the rest of their lives.
God help you if you get one that's high maintenance.
After a few years, they only turn on when they want to.
And my personal favorite: She'll never be as attractive as the day you first picked her up.

Here are a few tips for those looking into the car market:

Buy new if you can afford it, that way you'll know nobody else has driven her before.
If you must buy used, go with a low mileage one. Their bodies last longer.
If you can only get an older one, make sure she's been well maintained and has had some work done. Otherwise you'll have to pay for the work to be done later.

And always, always remember:

If at all possible, always lease and never buy. That way if you find that you don't like the car or you're just bored of it, you can always upgrade to a newer model or just get another car altogether. Plus, if you find yourself really attached to her, there's always an option to buy out.

And for those of you that can't afford to buy or lease, you can always rent. Sure, the car has probably been driven by a few hundred people, but for that short period of time she gets the job done.

See how there are always hot women around nice cars in pictures? Yeah, that helps too.

Monday, September 8, 2008


That's right. A potato cannon or aka, potato launcher. Whatever you want to call it, it's basically a weapon of mass destruction that you can easily make yourself at home. Oh did I mention it launches potatos approximately the length of a football field? Oh and it could probably shatter your windshield or your sliding glass door. It would also probably send any grown person directly to the hospital if fired at close range. Does that sound awesome or what?!!?

Myself, having seen videos of this done before and witnessing the potential destruction that it could cause I decided to make one of my own. Given that the total cost was under $40 and all materials were available at your local Home Depot, it was one curiosity I had to explore.

With the help of the very talented JOninja aka Jobitch, the following epic documentary video was created! Enjoy!

*Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any of you dumbasses who try to replicate what I have done and then end up setting yourselves on fire or blowing your fingers off. If you know that you're a dumbass, don't try this at home. If you're not sure whether you're a dumbass or not, I suggest you figure that out first before you try this at home. Chances are though, you're a dumbass. So just don't bother trying this at home.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen.


- Ron Burgundy

Monday, April 7, 2008

Random phone video on TTC

Well, I was on the TTC the other day minding my own business when I felt something strangely abnormal going on in the corner of my eye. I look up to satisfy my curiosity, and this is what I see:

I apologize for making you turn your head sideways to see it, but you can understand how it would make sense on my phone. And no I will not edit it because I am much too lazy.

After staring for 5 minutes at this man reading his novel in such a peculiar fashion, I came to 2 conclusions. 1) It was worth making myself look like a japanese pervert with a hidden digicam to capture this on video and 2) This man has the inability to move his eye balls from side to side. Doesn't he look like a typewriter?

Tick tick tick tick tick, DING!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Tell-tale signs that you're FAT or UGLY

Everyone, at some point in their lives have asked themselves, "Do people think I'm ugly?". Or how about those of you who have wondered whether or not people see you as "fat"?

Well I'll tell you...

It's actually quite simple, but rather counter intuitive. So in order for me to explain, I have devised a definitive socialogical test that will definitively answer these questions...definitively.

Please answer YES or NO to the following set of questions:

Set A

Do people make fun of you out loud and in public to your face? For example, if you're out with your co-workers for lunch, and you mentioned that you're getting fat and shouldn't eat the fries, and all your co-workers agree out loud and say emphatically, "Yeah you're huge! Definitely don't eat those or you'll blow up!"
Yes or No

When you mention that you need to go work out but you don't because you're too lazy, has anyone ever jokingly said, "Yeah you're right, you really do need to work out cause MAN you're getting fat!"
Yes or No

If you're out in public with friends or colleagues, do you ever get used as their butt end of a fat joke? For example, "Hey you better not finish that poutine or you'll end up HUGE like (insert your name here) over there." Then laughter ensues.
Yes or No

Has anyone just plain out said to your face, "Fuck you're fat!"
Yes or No

Set B

When eating with your friends or colleagues, do they generally stay quiet about your food choices and eating habits? For example, when you're giving the server your selection of fries with an extra side of gravy, chicken parmesan and a diet Coke, does everyone usually stay quiet and look respectful?
Yes or No

When you mention that you go to the gym three times a week, do people generally just stay quiet and without comment?
Yes or No

If you're out in public with friends or colleagues, are you never at the butt of any of the immature fat jokes? In other words, do they leave YOU out of the so called "mean things" that they always talk about and insesantly make fun of the skinny blonde girl in the group instead?
Yes or No

People rarely make fun of you to your face.
Yes or No

If you answered YES to any or all of Set A, you're not fat.
If you answered YES to any or all of Set B, sorry to say, but you are definitely fat.

The logic behind these answers is that if people make fun of you and call you names whether as jokes or out of convenience, chances are you're NOT actually what they're making fun of you about. People like to think that we've all grown up and left the immature 'teasing people we like' routine, but the truth is we haven't. If you tease someone, it's because you like them and don't actually think what they're teasing you about. If people really thought something bad about you, they would keep it quiet. People will actually go out of their way to NOT focus attention on your obesity and completely leave you out of the conversation if the conversation is related to your real physical attributes. The constant badgering of the petite blonde cutie of the group is just reconfirmation that they already feel bad about your disposition and are making an active effort to not draw attention to what you should already be ashamed of. In this case, your weight.

So if you find that people are generally really courteous to you, talk to you with more respect, don't say mean things about you to your face and everyone in your immediate group of peers just treats you super nice, you should start feeling self concious because you're probably the DUFF*.

Not this Duff.

I think the moral of the story or take-away lesson here is we shouldn't alienate, segragate, or have biased treatments. If you don't make fun of the fattys and ugly bitches, they'll just feel left out and self-conscious. You wouldn't want to be one of those people who makes others feel left out now would you? So go out there and make fun of your fat friend, call the ugly girl mean names and make jokes at their expense! It's only fair that you treat these people equally.

*Pop culture acronym for Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

Friday, March 28, 2008

The evolution of OWNAGE

What stemmed from geeky internet video-game short hand and then later becoming its own online messaging language, "l337 talk", has now become as colloquial in everyday language as words like "cool" and "sick!".

I won't get into the whole lineage of these words, but some of the most common ones are: n00b, suxx0rs, fuxx0red, pr0n and my personal favorite and perhaps the most popular, PWNED. As in, "Damn! You just got your ass PWNED!"

The word pwned didn't just spring up over night, it was an evolutionary process that took years. Here's a rough pedigree of how it came to be:

Owned - "Dude, you just got owned by that sniper with a head shot."
Ownage - "That game was pure ownage!"
Pwned - "Wow! That guy crossing the street just got pwned by that car!"
Pwnage - "World of Warcraft is pwnage!"

Now, it has been a few years since an evolutionary step forward for this particular family of descriptive words with an ascending level of magnitude. As of right now, getting "PWNED" is the highest order of magnitude you can go while staying within this family of l337 descriptors.

Hence I will make my personal mark in the world of l337 talk. From now on, when something is so awesome that 'pwned' is no longer sufficient, the next (and highest) level up is HWNED!

Derived from HOned and HOnage and eventually becoming HWNED and HWNAGE.
Usage will be the exact same, but the order of magnitude is now roughly 10 fold that of 'pwned'.

Here are some typical usages for the word HWNED:

"Yo, that new Lambo is pure HWNAGE!" or "Bro, your new shoes just got HWNED by that pile of shit!"

Of course there is one event that automatically warrants the use of this word, and that is if you have previously slept with me, are sleeping with me now, or anyone that will sleep with me in the future, you have in essence been HWNED to the highest degree! There is no exception to this rule.*

*No exception!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

SEX has EVERYTHING to do with it!

Piqued your curiosity again didn't I? Anything with the word SEX in it people will read. I know I do.

Let's be honest people, SEX has everything to do with a relationship. EVERYTHING. So for those of you emo, politically correct poseurs who think they're being righteous by saying crap like, "No no, looks have nothing to do with it. I just like him because he's so sweet !", then you're either extremely naive (pronounced nigh-eve not nave) or you're smoking something epic, in which case I want some.

There are obviously a miriad of variations to the punk-ass cop-out line like the one above such as, "Looks don't matter to me, as long as he treats me well." or "He makes me feel good about myself, so that's all that matters to me." etc. I'm sure you have all heard or used these types of lines before, but unless 'he makes me feel good' is code for "WOW his cock feels good inside me!" or "DAMN, nobody blows like that!", then whoever dishes these lines are full of sh!t.

Yeah yeah, all the stereotypical staple boyfriend girlfriend stuff is important too like hygiene, similar interests, personality, blah blah blah... but SEX is often never used as one of the main reasons you're still with somebody. SEX should be less of a negative superficiality and should be one of the main criteria when considering prospects to be with in a long term relationship. Sure they can be charming and funny, but what if they abosolutely SUCK in bed. I mean really terrible, like Gene Simmons terrible*. Think about it, you have to "hit that" and only that for a very long time. Maybe even forever?

If you've only just started a relationship (when it's supposed to be the steamiest and sexually driven) and already you're describing the person as funny, or sweet, and avoid saying that the sex is just 'meh', that relationship my friend won't last. And if it does, man I feel bad for you and your genitals. Not only because you'll be bored as f*ck but be ready for the words 'affair' and 'cheating' to pop up sometime in the near future as well. You need to have the clothes tearing, wall-slamming, sex in a night club washroom kind of sex every now and then. For all the lame o's out there, that roughly translates into passion and spontaneity.

Gene Simmons - Creepy no?

*For those of you who didn't get the Gene Simmons reference, google "Gene Simmons sex tape" and you'll understand. You'd think that a world famous rock star and international sex symbol would have some skills. *hangs head in shame*

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Ejaculating from a plane!

How much would you expect to be compensated for someone to ejaculate into your hair? Well according to the newest victim of a high-flying sexual harassment act, it's worth about oh...200K?

That's how much this 21 year old girl from Harris County is suing AMR airlines for in this latest semi-high profile american lawsuit.

Here's my coles notes version of what happened:

A young woman was on a flight to visit her gammy or something unimportant like that, when an unknown man sat down next to her while she was sleeping. When the pilot came on the loud speakers (not literally), the woman woke up to this man masturbating to her...well her. Now get this, because she was embarassed she turns around to face the window and nervously plays with her hair and then notices “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance”!

LMFAO! I almost fell out of my chair when I read that.

So needless to say, the man was indeed whacking off to the tune of her hair and was later arrested when the plane landed. What's even funnier though, is the fact that the man had enough time to jack on her hair and continue jacking without ANYONE interrupting his jack-off fest! Lawl.

I do feel bad for the girl though, if the man had just a little more time to finish, she could have received a pearl necklace.

The original full story here.

PS. While trying to come up with a suitable title for this blog, I had a lot of ideas that ran through my head. It felt like such a waste to never be able to use them, so I have included a few of the runner ups:

Gives new meaning to high flying.
In a hurry to join the mile high club.
$200k to get jacked on?
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...cum?
There's jizz in my hair?
Masturbation at 10,000 ft.
Ejaculation complete!

Friday, March 14, 2008

What is the longest running fugly foot fad ever?


I implore the human population to stop wearing these. Now.

Whoever came up with this so called "fashion" design should be shunned from civilized society and join the ranks of the Tomagotchi inventor and whomever thought up the bright idea for men's thongs.

I think I have put up with this travesty for long enough. It's time to move on, find a new fad and just put these in your storage closet next to the four inch platform disco boots and the Nintendo Virtual Boy (this one warrants a blog of it's own). Better yet, just burn them, buy some carbon credits and call it a day. In my earlier awkward years, I concede to have been a sheep of the fashion fads on occasion, but even as far as fads go, this one has lasted much too long. I remember seeing the first pair in the wild about 6 or 7 years ago and thought to myself, "This must be a joke. This girl HAS to be coming from an audition for a spot in the traveling carnival." No lie.

Everytime I see a person wearing these creative brain farts, I always ask them: WHY?

First, I usually get a weird look like I just asked them something totally rediculous, then they realise that I'm not kidding and reply with, "They're sooo comfortable!". They then get defensive and counter with, "Have you ever tried these on???". The answer is no. I never will and to be quite honest, it doesn't matter how comfortable they really are because I find that there must have been a mental breakdown somewhere for an individual to have even CONSIDERED picking them up and asking the sales person, "Do you have these in size 6?".

If you're one of those people who are still rocking these under the disillusion that they're "hot", please take a look at the picture below, because that's the only person that should still be wearing them.

I bet she thinks they're the illest yo!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Are you Spitzer or Swallows?

You like that catchy title don't you? Don't lie, you know it made your curiosity tingle you sick sick pervert. It's not your fault, the title was cleverly worded to reference something sexual or maybe conjure up pornographic images that you didn't download from the internet and aren't stored in a hidden folder on your removable hard drive somewhere. Oh wait...

It's okay, your secret is safe with me.

Your dirty thoughts aside, the title is obviously referring to the american political scandal du jour about New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer and his need to subscribe to really expensive prostitution. The events have unfolded quite rapidly. So rapid that within 48 hours he has gone from respected political figure in charge of the world's largest city, to a sex crazed maniac unfit to do his job and forced to resign. When did "getting a little on the side" become the worst thing in the world? And where did all this interest in politics come from? I don't see this many people getting all excited about healthcare, budget cuts and new by-laws. Where's all the enthusiasm and public outrage for real things that matter? Like fixing pot-holes.

"Oh my god, did you hear about that governor guy in New York? Isn't that crazy? What kind of world do we live in eh? I bet you his wife isn't too happy." - My dental hygienist to the receptionist

Who cares! So he slept with some prostitutes a few times. Big deal. So he cheated on his wife. Whatever. But does his need to satisfy his urge for sexual gratification really affect what he was elected to do? I think not. Did he do his job before the scandal? For the most part, yes. So then what does it matter if he likes spending his hard earned dollars on some high class hookers? It's illegal you say? Well, 'May ye without sin cast the first stone.' or something...

Have you seen his wife? Have you seen the girl? I have.

I'd hit that.

My point is that he's not an asexual super human, he's a regular dude with regular needs just like the rest of us. If you were caught picking up a hooker or got busted for going to a strip club, would you get fired from your day job for that? Would news reporters and journalists start rummaging through your garbage? My guess is no, unless your initials are MJ and you can do the moonwalk. So then why should anyone really care about what happens in his personal life? People should judge him on his work and the results from his work, not what or who he chooses to do in his spare time. Let his wife deal with that.

- This post dedicated to my man William Jefferson Clinton -